A Big Bang Theory Fan Fiction.

COLD OPEN

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

A candlelit dinner at “Le Chat Quantique” (Quantum Cat Bistro). Sheldon and Amy sit stiffly across from one another. There’s a violinist in the corner. Sheldon’s suit sparkles faintly in the low light.*

SHELDON (checking his watch):
6:04. Four minutes into our ninth-anniversary date. So far, minimal gastrointestinal distress. Promising start.

AMY (smiles):
Sheldon, you didn’t even flinch at the flickering candlelight. That’s growth.

SHELDON:
That’s Zofran. And your blouse has non-overlapping patterns, yet I’m not agitated. I might be in love.

(Amy beams. She reaches across the table. Sheldon offers his pinky in response. Pinky lock.)

SHELDON:
Let the record show that pinky-to-pinky contact was held for 3.4 seconds longer than the 2024 Anniversary Baseline.

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TITLE SEQUENCE

(Cue: The Barenaked Ladies’ “Big Bang Theory Theme”)

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ACT ONE

INT. HOFSTADTER APARTMENT – SAME NIGHT

Leonard and Penny, mid-fight. Half a bottle of cabernet remains. Leonard’s holding a spiral notebook, annotated in red pen.

PENNY:
You annotated my dream journal, Leonard.

LEONARD (nervously):
Only the entries with factual inaccuracies. Elvis never performed at LAX.

PENNY:
It was symbolic, you little dork gnome!

She storms into the bedroom. Leonard looks down at the wine.

LEONARD (to himself):
At least she didn’t see the appendix titled “Freudian Tropes in Penny’s Subconscious”.

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INT. WOLWITZ LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Howard’s in full dad-mode. His twin daughters are in Jedi robes, hurling stuffed Wookiees. Raj lounges on the couch, sipping a beer.*

RAJ:
This is what my therapist calls “exposure therapy.” Screaming children, intergalactic plushies, and inevitable graham cracker crumbs in the couch creases.

HOWARD:
Parenthood: the only job where being vomited on counts as bonding time.

MICHAELA pelts Howard with a tiara. He wears it proudly. Halley starts braiding his hair.

HOWARD (grinning):
This is the part where my masculinity goes to die.

RAJ (cheers):
And may it rest in glittery peace.

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INT. RESTAURANT – SAME TIME

Sheldon and Amy are midway through their meals. Sheldon’s ordered boiled lettuce with a side of pH-neutral tofu. Amy’s enjoying duck confit.

SHELDON:
Amy, would now be an acceptable time to present your anniversary metrics?

AMY (dabs mouth):
Absolutely.

(Sheldon pulls a printed report from under his chair. Amy does the same. They exchange documents.)

SHELDON (reading):
“Instance of spontaneous hand-holding: 2.25x increase from Year Seven.” Excellent.

AMY:
“You refrained from correcting my grammar in public ten times last quarter. A personal best.”

(They lock eyes. In sitcom terms, this is their version of making out.)

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INT. HOFSTADTER BEDROOM – LATER

Penny FaceTimes Bernadette. Penny’s in fuzzy socks and a messy bun. Bernadette’s in a lab coat in her office, adjusting a microscope.

PENNY:
He red-penned my feelings. Who does that?

BERNADETTE:
Leonard. He once drew error bars on my ultrasound.

PENNY:
Why do we marry these men?

BERNADETTE:
Because sometimes, they’re adorable. Also, because their logic circuits fail during snuggling.

PENNY:
You’re my lab-coated Yoda.

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ACT TWO

INT. COMIC BOOK STORE – NIGHT

Raj and Stuart sit in beanbag chairs, surrounded by vintage Batman and unopened Funko Pops. They sip warm beers.

STUART:
We are the last of the Fellowship.

RAJ:
We never even made it out of the Shire.

(Pause. Stuart sighs deeply.)

STUART:
You think if I put on a cape, women would respect me?

RAJ:
If by women you mean my dog Cinnamon, then yes.

(They clink beer bottles and sigh.)

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INT. RESTAURANT – CHECK-DELIVERY MOMENT

Amy leans over.

AMY:
You didn’t mention the bathroom light was fluorescent. That’s a big step.

SHELDON:
I held back because I was focused on… you.

(Amy gasps. A violinist plays a slightly off-key “Canon in D.” Sheldon grimaces.)

SHELDON:
Okay, I wasn’t that focused. That violinist just bowed an E on a G string. Unacceptable.

(Amy laughs. Then—sudden power outage. Total darkness. Diners murmur.)

SHELDON (panicked):
Amy, the darkness! The ambiguity! The variables!

(Amy grabs his hand. He instantly calms.)

AMY:
You’re safe. You’re with me.

(Beat.)

SHELDON (softly):
Statistically improbable. Emotionally undeniable.

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INT. HOFSTADTER APARTMENT – NIGHT

Leonard knocks on the bedroom door. Sheepishly.

LEONARD:
I deleted the appendix. And the cross-references.

PENNY (opens door slightly):
Did you keep the page where I dream I’m dating Thor?

LEONARD:
No… but I drew you a helmet.

(He holds up a childish sketch. Penny laughs. He enters. Fade out.)

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TAG SCENE

INT. SHELDON & AMY’S APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT

Sheldon and Amy are in pajamas. Raj arrives unexpectedly with Stuart and a six-pack.

RAJ:
Can we chill here? Stuart’s existential again.

STUART:
I Googled myself. I don’t exist.

AMY:
Come in. Sheldon just made decaf Earl Grey.

SHELDON:
And we have leftover anniversary cake, non-contaminated by dairy.

(Everyone gathers on the couch. Stuart takes a bite.)

STUART (mouth full):
You guys make marriage seem… tolerable.

SHELDON:
We aim for tolerable. Anything above that causes unrealistic expectations.

(Laugh track. Pan out. They all sit together, drinking tea, watching vintage “Doctor Who.”)

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ROLL CREDITS
Cue tag music. A still shot of Howard in a tiara surrounded by glitter and children.